Goal setting, so it begins
I am not good at romantic relationships or commitment. Lets just start there.
From ages 12-25 I was never single. From ages 26-33 I have only had 1, year and a half ish relationship. I honestly do enjoy being single. When I say single I am referring to being in a non labeled/ not defined, not potentially monogamous relationship. I typically have some sort of friend with benefits or regular person I am sleeping with. Which is a way for me to get my needs met while at the same time not having to commit to anything. Most of the time this is great, until inevitably someone catches the feels and it all comes crashing down. I have been on both sides of the feels and I hate it. Sleeping with someone whom you find attractive, but for whatever reason wouldn't date is and always has been my go to "relationship" as an adult. Yes I am in therapy and no we haven't talked about this much until recently because I avoid it like the plague.
From an early age I embraced this whole strong and independent woman persona and I am pretty certain I couldn't shake if I wanted to. I honestly don't know because I have never tried. In the past few years I have settled into focusing on my career and financial stability, which is very important for a strong and independent woman... Life is expensive these days!
I have a friend that I have been into for years (but have always been too chicken shit to tell him), who in 2016 turned me onto making real new years resolutions. Not like the typical going to lose weight and eat more veggies resolutions... but actual goals that challenge me in a way that makes me a better person. Smaller attainable goals that can help me get to a larger goal which will ultimately help me to be a better me. Seee, you love him too now right!? I started last year as my first year and I can honestly say it really guided my through the year. I made about 10 resolutions the main two were:
1. To try one new thing a month. This is finding things I have always wanted to do or try that I have never done before, so that at the end of the year I would have 12 new experiences.
2. Keep a gratitude Friday journal. Each week I would write down bullet points of what I was grateful for that week. Some weeks were muuuuch easier than others. Some weeks I was just thankful for water, air and having a job even though I hated it.
Working with my therapist nearing the end of the year I talked about how these two things, along with some of the other resolutions shaped my year and I think gave me a better attitude through out the year. Meeting goals left and right, checking off boxes on a list... So we talked about what kinds of things I would resolve to do in 2018. I was all optimistic thinking of all the fun things I could do when she hits me with "I want to challenge you to do things that maybe you aren't good at or are afraid of"... Who wants to do that? I avoid these things for a reason! So we talk about it, I say I'll think about it, and like the good therapy client I am. I actually do. I get in the right headspace and finallly sit down to work on a list. First, I start with the heading:
THINGS THAT SCARE ME AND/OR I AM NOT GOOD AT
Unfortunately, There are two immediate things that come to mind, relationships and flying. They both scare the shit out of me, I believe they are both inevitable and I continue to do them just not very well. So there it is. I knew that I had to address these two things in 2018. That brings us to today. It has been really hard for me to figure out how I am going to work on these. They needed measurable and tangible goals so I could either say I met or didn't meet them. Here we are mid January and I still haven't nailed down EXACTLY how this is going to work and how I am going to accomplish it but this blog post is a start.
So far I have resolved:
1. To go on 1 date per month. It has to be someone that I can see potential with. So it can't be a "friend" or anyone I already know I don't want to date. Ideally it would be a person I've never met before or have never "dated" in any form. It also can't be a undefined hook up, it literally has to be a date.
This task seems so daunting I know for some people this seems silly and super easy. For a person who doesn't date this is crazy. I added another piece to this, just in case I don't meet my goal for January...
2. I have to at least make attempts to meet new potential people to date. Talking to friends about this counts!
So far I have complained about this more than I have actually acted on it at all. I have this mind set that I barely have enough time in my life for the people I like/love and know that I want to spend time with, that having to make time to spend time with guys I probably won't like and who probably wont even text me back even if I did like them, just seems ridiculous. Dating has always been so far down on my priority list I seriously have no idea how to make it a priority.
I am starting to feel pressure because it is mid month. I am a very goal oriented person and I have to meet my goals! So here we are. I decided to blog about my experience so that I can look back over it and see my journey. Who knows how the hell this is going to go! Hopefully we can all look back at this and laugh some day...
Month 1: Goals accomplished
- Set up dating blog to log progress/ lack there of
- Researched online dating sites and apps. If I was to do a paid website it would be Match.com. I am not ready for all of that yet. Seems too serious.
- Set up Happn account- Its an App that shows you people you have crossed paths with. I guess it is just always on and shows you how many times you are within a certain radius of people who are also on the app. It shows you how many times you have crossed paths with that person as well. So someone I ride the bus with every day or someone that works at the same hospital as I do.. who knows. Its a typical swipe and match type thing.
- Downloaded Tinder again- I have used this before. Full disclosure my first Tinder date (literally first match and met up with for a date) was the 2 year relationship I mentioned earlier. I realize this is such a skewed reality of what online dating really is which is also the reason for my hesitation to online date at all... But it being half way through the month with no date to lined up yet. I felt like this would be a quick and easy way to get a date in.
- I am also on the League- this is supposed to be some sort of elite dating site. I have been on it for about a month (since I watched the movie Girls Trip) I was curious about it and applied to be on the wait list. I got through. They provide you with 2 or 3 people each day. I think if you don't open the app then the people for that day go away and you get two new ones the next day. I'm unclear on how this works. I forget to check my new dudes. I think I may have liked only about 3 people in over a month. I haven't been impressed with this "elite quality" of men I've been given. So far I matched with one guy last week who wanted to have a threesome... NEXT! But that's it so far. I guess I could be less picky, but somehow I don't think that is the point.
My plan is to update as activity happens. Wish me luck!!!
From ages 12-25 I was never single. From ages 26-33 I have only had 1, year and a half ish relationship. I honestly do enjoy being single. When I say single I am referring to being in a non labeled/ not defined, not potentially monogamous relationship. I typically have some sort of friend with benefits or regular person I am sleeping with. Which is a way for me to get my needs met while at the same time not having to commit to anything. Most of the time this is great, until inevitably someone catches the feels and it all comes crashing down. I have been on both sides of the feels and I hate it. Sleeping with someone whom you find attractive, but for whatever reason wouldn't date is and always has been my go to "relationship" as an adult. Yes I am in therapy and no we haven't talked about this much until recently because I avoid it like the plague.
From an early age I embraced this whole strong and independent woman persona and I am pretty certain I couldn't shake if I wanted to. I honestly don't know because I have never tried. In the past few years I have settled into focusing on my career and financial stability, which is very important for a strong and independent woman... Life is expensive these days!
I have a friend that I have been into for years (but have always been too chicken shit to tell him), who in 2016 turned me onto making real new years resolutions. Not like the typical going to lose weight and eat more veggies resolutions... but actual goals that challenge me in a way that makes me a better person. Smaller attainable goals that can help me get to a larger goal which will ultimately help me to be a better me. Seee, you love him too now right!? I started last year as my first year and I can honestly say it really guided my through the year. I made about 10 resolutions the main two were:
1. To try one new thing a month. This is finding things I have always wanted to do or try that I have never done before, so that at the end of the year I would have 12 new experiences.
2. Keep a gratitude Friday journal. Each week I would write down bullet points of what I was grateful for that week. Some weeks were muuuuch easier than others. Some weeks I was just thankful for water, air and having a job even though I hated it.
Working with my therapist nearing the end of the year I talked about how these two things, along with some of the other resolutions shaped my year and I think gave me a better attitude through out the year. Meeting goals left and right, checking off boxes on a list... So we talked about what kinds of things I would resolve to do in 2018. I was all optimistic thinking of all the fun things I could do when she hits me with "I want to challenge you to do things that maybe you aren't good at or are afraid of"... Who wants to do that? I avoid these things for a reason! So we talk about it, I say I'll think about it, and like the good therapy client I am. I actually do. I get in the right headspace and finallly sit down to work on a list. First, I start with the heading:
THINGS THAT SCARE ME AND/OR I AM NOT GOOD AT
Unfortunately, There are two immediate things that come to mind, relationships and flying. They both scare the shit out of me, I believe they are both inevitable and I continue to do them just not very well. So there it is. I knew that I had to address these two things in 2018. That brings us to today. It has been really hard for me to figure out how I am going to work on these. They needed measurable and tangible goals so I could either say I met or didn't meet them. Here we are mid January and I still haven't nailed down EXACTLY how this is going to work and how I am going to accomplish it but this blog post is a start.
So far I have resolved:
1. To go on 1 date per month. It has to be someone that I can see potential with. So it can't be a "friend" or anyone I already know I don't want to date. Ideally it would be a person I've never met before or have never "dated" in any form. It also can't be a undefined hook up, it literally has to be a date.
This task seems so daunting I know for some people this seems silly and super easy. For a person who doesn't date this is crazy. I added another piece to this, just in case I don't meet my goal for January...
2. I have to at least make attempts to meet new potential people to date. Talking to friends about this counts!
So far I have complained about this more than I have actually acted on it at all. I have this mind set that I barely have enough time in my life for the people I like/love and know that I want to spend time with, that having to make time to spend time with guys I probably won't like and who probably wont even text me back even if I did like them, just seems ridiculous. Dating has always been so far down on my priority list I seriously have no idea how to make it a priority.
I am starting to feel pressure because it is mid month. I am a very goal oriented person and I have to meet my goals! So here we are. I decided to blog about my experience so that I can look back over it and see my journey. Who knows how the hell this is going to go! Hopefully we can all look back at this and laugh some day...
Month 1: Goals accomplished
- Set up dating blog to log progress/ lack there of
- Researched online dating sites and apps. If I was to do a paid website it would be Match.com. I am not ready for all of that yet. Seems too serious.
- Set up Happn account- Its an App that shows you people you have crossed paths with. I guess it is just always on and shows you how many times you are within a certain radius of people who are also on the app. It shows you how many times you have crossed paths with that person as well. So someone I ride the bus with every day or someone that works at the same hospital as I do.. who knows. Its a typical swipe and match type thing.
- Downloaded Tinder again- I have used this before. Full disclosure my first Tinder date (literally first match and met up with for a date) was the 2 year relationship I mentioned earlier. I realize this is such a skewed reality of what online dating really is which is also the reason for my hesitation to online date at all... But it being half way through the month with no date to lined up yet. I felt like this would be a quick and easy way to get a date in.
- I am also on the League- this is supposed to be some sort of elite dating site. I have been on it for about a month (since I watched the movie Girls Trip) I was curious about it and applied to be on the wait list. I got through. They provide you with 2 or 3 people each day. I think if you don't open the app then the people for that day go away and you get two new ones the next day. I'm unclear on how this works. I forget to check my new dudes. I think I may have liked only about 3 people in over a month. I haven't been impressed with this "elite quality" of men I've been given. So far I matched with one guy last week who wanted to have a threesome... NEXT! But that's it so far. I guess I could be less picky, but somehow I don't think that is the point.
My plan is to update as activity happens. Wish me luck!!!
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